I Fell Into a Derealization Pit

Hello friends,
I didn't reach my self-imposed deadline of my end-of-the-month blog post for August. My last post was me celebrating the concept of structure, and then...I fell into a derealization 'pit'.

   Sometimes I question if I'm a hypocrite. Here I am, always repping my "Keep On Grinning" tagline that I've used for the last ten years of blogging. I even made merchandise with the phrase embroidered on it. But when I feel myself crumble a bit, I wonder how much I should share. One, because I'm admittedly superstitious, not in the unlucky number 13 sort of way, but rather in the sense of once something provokes a bad outcome in XYZ way, I can never repeat whatever situation I was in when it happened or else doom!. I'm anxious, what can I say? And two, because sometimes it feels scary to promote positivity yet simultaneously carry a heavy weight of negative feelings wherever I go. And maybe that's just the human condition. Like my therapist says, feelings are not inherently positive or negative; they just are. So today, I'm trying to own how I feel and finally speak about this pit I'm in. This might be a bit of a sporadic post, since I'm still experiencing this.

   This situation is complicated. I try not to think about it because anxiety can be very self-perpetuating. I hyper fixate on how I feel or how my environment makes me feel, and I try to avoid triggers that may make me anxious. I've been unmedicated for a couple years now, and my anxiety has been overall pretty manageable. I've felt honestly really in-control of myself. I don't often drink, I don't partake in drugs. I like having a clear mind. I also have taken major steps in the last few years to care for my health and wellness a lot more, both with nutrition, fitness, and seeing a therapist regularly. There was definitely a really difficult patch last year with my mother's passing, but I pushed through and continued caring for myself through the grief. It's hard to pick yourself back up, but with support from friends and family, plus grace within yourself, it's possible to climb back to the surface and feel some normalcy again, or a new normalcy. I give that context to share that I was feeling relatively good by the end of 2023. And to start this year, I been in a wonderful relationship, I've continued running and moving towards my marathon goal, I've met tons of wonderful new faces, and I've worked really hard on improving my brand/blog. I've felt really in control of my path, super focused. But once June was approaching, something first started brewing.

   I mentioned in the previous post, The Power of Structure, that June was rocky. I fell off my workout routine, lacked motivation to cook more thoughtful and healthy foods, and felt like I had zero control of my schedule. It took an additional month for me to slowly rebuild those pieces, and I even skipped a month of blogging to prevent burnout from it all. To start August, I was feeling ready and excited to document my journey with rebuilding my workout routine and meal prep habits. I successfully hit all my workouts the first week and felt like my confidence was growing again after that month away. I excitedly documented how each little win made me feel, and I felt it was a wonderful way to rebuild that discipline and remember why I do what I do. The month felt like it was having a promising start, but by August 15th, I experienced an eerily familiar feeling. I was wrapping up at work, finishing one more email after a stressful day. Mid-email, I felt a wave of derealization wash over me. It's a type of panic I haven't experienced in years. As described by Health.com, "Derealization is the feeling of being detached from your environment. If you're having a derealization episode, you may perceive your surroundings as being dream-like, unreal, distant, or distorted. Derealization is considered a type of dissociation—or, a disconnection between your body, thoughts, and sense of self."

   Derealization used to come in little flashes for me in my school years, mostly at random moments in the cafeteria, for example. I'd be speaking, feel the wave, and say, "Whoa that was weird, I felt like I was dreaming," and then carry on. It never lingered longer than that, usually. In my college years, I did experience a week long episode of derealization while my family was away. I was home and watching our pets, and couldn't shake the disorienting feeling. But just by communicating with family and friends, and slowly doing things to prove to myself that I was brave and could do normal Lydia things, I eventually felt fine. This time (6 years later), it's lasted three weeks, as I'm writing this. I'm still in it, I'm just doing what I've found has helped me in previous years with my general anxiety which is to document and refer back when I need help.

   I think by the end of the first week, I was like, Okay, the last one only lasted a week...what gives? Will this ever go away? But that's the thing--I know that the more I hyper fixate on it, the longer it'll last. It's a symptom of high-stress and anxiety that unfortunately snowballs. The more I recognize that it's there, the more I'm hyper aware of it and worry how much it'll impair my function and mood for the day. It's super distracting, and very scary. But in a video by Melissa Shepard, MD on YouTube, she says it's crucial to remind people going through this that this is the absolute worst it'll feel. Once you're in it, it doesn't get worse, so there's nothing more to fear. It won't hurt you. In fact, other sources I've read and watched have described this as an 'autopilot' that your body uses to protect you during high-levels of stress, as a way to reduce how much more stress you can handle. So when I mention I was stressed that Thursday at work, I must've reached a threshold. And clearly this is also probably morphed overtime by last year's grieving, since I've never really stopped grieving, as well as stress over my cat's vet appointments in June, as well as the other stress-inducing moments that have collected since the end of May that I referred to in my previous post. Yes, I did feel confident being unmedicated and having a clear mind while caring for my health and wellness, but my body is clearly at it's peak. I need rest.

   It sucks because feeling this way makes it hard to function, like I said. I've been equally as productive at work, but just had to be remote for nearly two weeks straight in order to keep moving forward. I've tried to catch up with friends, but get emotional describing the pit I feel like I've been trapped in, and have trouble sitting and chatting for too long before I get anxious again. All I want to do most days is hurry up with obligations, go home, and ground myself in the bath. I did have a few lucky days where I felt excited again, like when I did my first trail run since the pit started, after that first week of working remotely. And when my boyfriend and I decided to get a bit fancier and go out for a date for the first time in a while (we've got our own schedule through the week, so a little date night felt extra special). It was also a major win proving to myself that I could go back to the gym and feel semi okay! Then returning to work, despite how afraid and overwhelmed I felt. Mustering up the courage to be in public has been hard, especially when my vision feels disorienting and when I feel alone with loud thoughts. And I think the added pressure of all the September events I've got coming up is making me nervous. Like, it's crunch time, I need to feel better ASAP so I can actually enjoy these events. But the shitty thing is that I'm feeling so out of control at the moment that I'm swirling in a depressive episode as well. I'm at capacity of what I can handle right now and something in my life needs to change, but also that's too much to conceptualize and I'm overwhelmed and I feel nothing all at once. That's why those moments of excitement are so special to me. Just the slow and sweet moments, I want those.

   I've been very fortunate to be able to chat around with my friends about the ways I'm feeling. Got to catch back up with Cooper on a 2-hour walk last week, been reassured to give myself grace by my sister "Reggie" since she's seen me hide in my bed on the worst days, and Jordy's been wonderful at helping to engage me in reality with warmth and conversation and even doing more of the heavy lifting on meals for us on days where I feel like I just need to sit. Because sometimes even just standing up from the couch alters the whole perspective of the room for me visually, and reignites that panic. So having the support of those guys, plus my other buddies like colleagues and close friends and family, has been very helpful in these moments where I feel like I'm sinking, so thank you all for keeping me afloat.

   I am very proud of my wins I've achieved so far. Washing my hair for that first day was huge, making myself breakfast was also major. Some things feel impossible when you're experiencing depression and panic attacks. I referred back to this post I wrote in 2021 on one of my tougher days where it felt hard just to take a short walk, 5 Manageable Methods of Self Love, which I'm so thankful I wrote because clear-minded me really knows what she's talking about. "Sometimes our mental health can deter us from doing everyday things that might normally seem simple to us. So if you're going through a difficult mental health patch right now, just remember: it's temporary. Things will look up soon. And remember to be fragile and kind to yourself in this time." I nearly cried when I revisited it.

​   Each time I've gone back to see the therapist, I can at least say that I feel slightly better this week than the one before. I felt brave enough to leave the house, I felt brave enough to go back to the gym, I felt excited for the first time in a week for my trail run, I think I'm finally ready to go back to the office. The thing is, I know I can relieve myself of this feeling eventually. Whether I need to keep chugging along as I have been, look into a new medication, whatever it may be. But this is my current normal and it's hard, but I have to just own it. I don't want it to take control of me forever. I miss my schedule, I miss my passions. I'm tired of being distracted by these loud thoughts. I'm tired of hyper fixating on every feeling. I'm fed up with my sense of time feeling warped, and feeling like I'm not present. Let me be present, let me feel excited again. Let me feel adventurous again.

   I'm hoping by throwing my thoughts out into the universe that maybe I can feel a slight weight lifted. I'm having a hard time, friends. I can't lie about that. But whenever I feel heard, I feel like I can let go of some of that panic and trust the process, trust the people around me, and trust that everything will be okay. Something I'm having trouble grasping is that a huge help for overcoming this last time was my mom, so I'm missing that piece this time. But there's got to be something out there to shake me out of this.

   Not the most positive way to end a blog post, but like I said, I'm hoping this will help me feel better in some way. Try to keep on grinning, friends, even in tough moments like this.

   Thank you, with my whole heart, for reading.