My Gender Identity Pt. II

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Hello friends!
It's pride month, and on June first, I finally decided to share that my preferred pronouns are they/them. ​It's taken a little over a year to really sit and think about, but I'm finally doing a "full-send" on this one.

   I believe, in my original post from February 2021, I discussed my experiences leading up to altering my preferred pronouns. Like how it felt off when customers in my former workplace would group me in with my coworkers as "ladies". And how my chest size impacted my feelings about my femininity. And how in general I feel uncomfortable calling my chest my breasts.  In that post, my conclusion last time was a hesitant she/they approach.

   So I guess for today's post, I wanted to celebrate self discovery and to go more in depth about the motives and steps that have been taken, since my last post, leading up to this point.

   About a month or so after part one of this collection, I sat down with my doctor for a typical med check. But while I was there, I decided to also inquire about a breast reduction. Now, I've never had surgery before. It's actually an idea that scares me, even though it's kind of unavoidable at a certain point. So when I asked my doctor how to get the ball rolling, I truly meant it. He gave me some disclaimers and information, and off I went to compose my own research.

   Last November, I attended I workshop at the University of Cincinnati medical center. It was a learning opportunity for anyone wanting a breast reduction to see if we truly qualified, and to learn the entire process and healing times of this operation. To qualify for a reduction mammoplasty, each of us had to meet a certain health criteria to showcase our eligibility to withstand the long term effects of a reduction, like maintaining that size and understanding any potential risks regarding breast feeding. I unfortunately fell short  in the weight category.

   Because I'm overweight, I technically can't qualify for a reduction at this time. But once I am able to lose my excess weight and prove to myself and to my doctors that I can maintain a healthier weight, I can then resume the process for getting the procedure without re-attending the workshop.

   Since that class in November, I've been trying to take the appropriate steps in my weight loss journey. And it's not been easy. My wellness journey actually began back in late 2019, and my main motive was to feel more connected and healthy with my body and mind. And through the past couple of years, I've been documenting this journey on my fitness instagram, @grinsandfitness. And according to my doctor, I'm experiencing troubles with losing weight because of hormonal issues. That and, in my own theory, the fact that I'm taking an antidepressant. But anyways, since this workshop at UC, I've tried Noom, which I ended up quitting due to monthly subscription cost, and now I'm using MyFitnessPal, as well as working out three to five times a week.

   This month, I'll finally be able to see a registered dietician. They'll be able to give me hormonal testing and will be able to pinpoint why I can't lose weight, and determine what I can do to actually make progress. I'm super excited to receive help with this. Once I'm able to make a significant dent, I plan to take some online training courses from Miranda Cohen's Dream Lift program, to feel fit and strong and beautiful, no matter my gender expression.

   Onto my aesthetic. Some days I love dressing in super feminine clothes. Other days, I really like to add a more masculine touch. I remember how absolutely badass I felt at my design portfolio show wearing trousers and men's dress shoes to present my work. Incorporating both feminine and masculine fashion into my overall style makes me feel on top of the world.

   I've been a lover of fashion for as long as I can remember. At the same time, though, I've been wearing sports bras since my breasts initially grew, in attempt to hide them. I felt more beautiful with a flatter chest, even if I was wearing something incredibly feminine. For example, I was a huge fan of vintage dresses and oxford flats, especially in high school. In more recent years, however, I steer moreso towards turtle necks, overalls, and baggy tees.

   I also recently invested in some TomboyX compression tops (comparable to binders). Even if I am overweight and have an incredibly large chest size, compressing them down even a little bit helps me to feel more confident. I especially like to wear my compression tops if I plan to hit the town in more body-con styled crops and body suits. Having a touch of androgyny is the main goal to feel more confident and more myself.

   On another note, comments directly about my being a woman would aggravate me. My former boss used to make sexist comments to me practically on the daily. I believe he was just trying to joke and roast me, but at the same time, I would correct him here and there and tell him I was questioning my gender, and that I didn't like the comments about "You're pretty strong, for being a girl" and "You're sensitive because you're a woman", etc.

   I know that these comments aren't normal, workplace or not. But this is just how he interacted with me on a regular basis. Once my sister in law left, I was the only woman in the art department. There were three other men who I worked with. And constantly, comments were made by my boss. I felt overall disconnected from my gender for the past year, so hearing these comments that were meant to be funny jabs only further made me feel disconnected.

   And lastly, my vanity-obsessed mother's view of me. It was a constant battle with she and my sisters about how we presented ourselves. Like I mentioned earlier, I felt a lot of discomfort when my breasts grew in. My mother absolutely despised the fact that I preferred sports bras. Even up until a few years ago, when I applied for my first print shop job, she told me that for my interview, I needed to make sure I wore a real bra. It sounds normal in my mind, like, yeah, she wanted me to look presentable. But also, how bizarre is that? Why the hell does my bra matter? My undergarments aren't going to prevent my from getting a job that I'm fully qualified for.

   Besides the loathing of sports bras, my mother was more interested in the glam life. When I was in high school, I always wanted to go a more vintage and modest route with my homecoming and prom dresses. She was always so reluctant to let me purchase dressed through Modcloth, even if they were more affordable than your standard prom gowns. It's the little things that made me feel unaccepted. She also never wanted us to leave the house without lip gloss on and earrings in. There were also comments like "suck it in" and "bikini season is almost here" that made me feel a significant disconnect from my body. I felt ugly. And sometimes I still do feel embarrassed to exist in public. My negative views of my body stem from this unhealthy view my mother had of my sisters and me. The constant comments about my figure made me feel insignificant. And I've never spoken about my mother's impact on my psych on this blog before, since she will always weaponize anything I say on this platform against me.

   One of the final straws I had with her was after I posted the original My Gender Identity post. Allegedly, she told my twin sister I was a martyr, that I want to gain sympathy from everyone, and proceeded to use my name as an insult. Zero support, which I expected. That's when I was done.

​   Freeing myself from my parents entirely has helped my psych immensely. And maybe one day I'll touch more on my experiences growing up in that household. But for now, I'm just going to say--once you get the opportunity to leave an unhealthy situation, go discover yourself with zero regrets. Love yourself however you'd like. It's still a challenge to feel beautiful about my body, no matter my size. But diving into my gender expression has really helped me thus far.

If you or someone you know, who is questioning their gender identity or sexuality, needs help or needs a safe space to speak on confidential concerns, you can reach
the LGBT National Hotline at 888-843-4564.

For any young LGBTQIA+ members who need to speak to a trained counselor anonymously,
you can reach The Trevor Project hotline at 1-866-488-7386
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Thank you for the support! Take care of yourself, your friends, and your queer loved ones (not only through Pride Month, but all year round).

Keep on grinning!

​Lydia
They/Them :)