Lately I've had the swelling temptation to delete my social media accounts. Or, maybe a better idea, to stop talking to other humans in general.
Okay, I'm being dramatic. But still.
To summarize my life right now: I feel like a mess. I finished my finals, worked so incredibly hard all semester, and was just looking for a nice, relaxing break. But no, that's not quite happening thus far. Since taking my finals, I feel like my relationships with a couple different people in my life are messy. Like, very messy. And me being my anxiety-ridden, insecure self, I take the blame. Every. Single. Time. If anyone is upset for any reason, I immediately tell myself it's my fault, that I messed things up.
I won't discuss the people I've been in a rough patch with because this is a lifestyle blog, not a gossip column. And I won't even give any details on the situations themselves, because I wanted to discuss the broader picture--the reason I always feel the need to pick up the pieces by myself.
I think my issue here is: why do I care so much? Normally if things got rough between two friends (not close friends, either), a normal person would probably just brush it off and move on with their lives. Me, I'm determined to create the most wonderful friendships with people ever, which means I'm someone who checks in on people and makes sure they're feeling happy in their lives. Which maybe is weird, but I'm just a compassionate person. Like I'm someone who cares about anything and everything and wants to see the best in people, even if that means letting them hurt me.
(I'm referencing those couple of instances as a whole because, really, this happens often. With so many people.)
But continuing on, yeah, I think that care and compassion has made me more motivated to make this a lifestyle blog instead of strictly a beauty/fashion blog. I like to motivate, I like to inspire. And that's why I share these random personal experiences, because it helps me and it helps others as well in similar situations.
There's a downside to being so intensely caring about things, though. It's that I'm easy to hurt. I'm easily caught up in my emotions. And it makes me lose motivation, and I stop blogging for like two weeks while this mess is stirring up.
I think this question of am I good enough comes to my mind in all of this because, when people reject my compassion, or just try using me to only benefit their side in the friendship, I feel hurt and ask myself that question. Like, "Am I really good enough? Do other people need to show me that?" For some reason, I rarely believe in my own self, rather I depend on other people showing their support. And it hurts me more when multiple relationships get messy at the same time. Because then I feel alone and I feel discouraged.
I think this has become a bigger problem, though, besides just feeling melancholy after these situations. It's become a realization that I compare myself. All the time. And it's the core reason why I've been considering deleting some of my social media (which I might not actually do since I use social media to promote my blog, aka something I'm super passionate about). It's also the core reason why I question if I'm good enough, which isn't very good.
So let's go back to me having this issue with comparing myself. I tried to think of when it started but I don't know ~exactly~ when that was. So I'll just take you back in time with me to figure this out and see if anyone can relate.
Okay, so there's me in the family and I have four other siblings. I have two brothers, Landon and Logan, who are eight years older than me who have navigated paths through college and through the military (basically they were guides for my sisters and me, who basically showed us what high school and college was like before we even got there). So they were people I looked up to for their different reasons and who I followed behind. I have an older sister, Lana, who is only a year older than me, but teachers would always fall in love with her before they met Lila (my twin sister) and myself. So we had to keep our family name looking good after Lana was finished with whatever grade she was in before us. Lana's super intelligent and works hard, so of course that gives me a feeling of oh I need to succeed like her, and if I don't then I'm letting people down. So arguably, that was a huge factor in comparing myself, knowing how talented Lana is. Nothing wrong with that, though. But I just internally began comparing myself to them.
And then there was Lila. In my same classes with me every year, we were pretty much our only friends in class. At home, however, Lana and Lila were the best of friends. I just kind of became more of a loner I guess, but I was okay with it usually. In seventh grade, Lila and I finally had different class schedules. So that's when things started changing for me. I had hopes that I could make plenty of friends and, I don't know, be cool. But instead, I mingled with other loners like myself, and a lot of band kids. That's just how I felt comfortable. Lila, however, was friends with the arguably popular crowd, PLUS the band kids. She had a lot of friends immediately. So that's where a lot more internal comparison began happening. It lasted through high school, too. She talked to a lot more people than I did, and after we graduated, she realized that a lot of people were actually mean to me. Which she always tried to defend me whenever she'd see it as it happened. But ever since we graduated she's tried to understand my anxieties and insecurities more and actually give me the time of day that tons of kids never gave me through high school.
Okay, so that's where I think I've developed this fixation with comparing myself and with being good enough for people. Just as a little back story.
So, yes, I am someone who wants to hear from friends that I am enough. I know that I need to think it on my own, but I've become so consumed by competition that it's hard to bounce into a healthier state of mind. I'm so easily discouraged that I'm easily persuaded to do things for others, especially if they're "cool". Because at heart, I'm just that loner from high school.
There have also been instances where I've become discouraged about my blog, which hurts because this is something I'm so passionate about. Because "popular" people from my past will get all kinds of support for their current endeavors and I just can't help but to compare myself. So if you do read my blog, I do want to thank you. Thank you for showing that support. Because my true intention for writing is to help people and to help myself along the way.
Like I said earlier, I'm randomly super compassionate. Like even to strangers on twitter. I just have this feeling of oh I need to help them feel their best and be their best selves, despite whatever emotions or troubles I may be facing in that moment. It's a random necessity to me, picking people up. It helps me feel better knowing others can feel better. That's why this blog means so much to me, that's why relationships with people mean so much to me. I want to influence people positively, even if I'm getting hurt along the way. I'm proud of this part of me. I'm proud that, despite the pain, despite the comparison, despite not always feeling confident in my own self, I can bounce back on my own. I can depend on myself to keep pushing for a positive outlook on life. And writing on this blog has helped me to understand that, just because I'm not good enough for some people in my life, I know that my intentions and my compassion are enough. I know that being a good person and being a positive influence is important to me. And I know that being patient and understanding in relationships is key. So yes, these qualities about myself. They let me know that I am enough.
Thank you all for reading! If something's bringing you down and making you ask if you're good enough, let's talk about it in the comments.