Hello friends. You might know by now that I struggle with a high anxiety disorder. And tonight, it hit me hard.
I'm not sure what happened. Honestly. For the past couple days I've felt extremely groggy--Not motivated. Not myself.
So it started sometime yesterday. I can't remember when. I think after Megan dropped me off back at home (she and I went to an optional marching band music rehearsal together). But I could be wrong. I can't remember what happened from then to when I fell asleep. I think I played The Sims 4 and messaged people on Facebook. Anyways, I understand that I'm rambling, but this is me trying to retrace my steps to see if something triggered my panic attack. So consider this past paragraph to be the prologue.
Anyways, Tyler and I hang out every Friday. When I woke up he left a 'good morning' message. And something immediately felt off about me. I was happy he initiated conversation, but something in me felt...I don't know...depressed? He could tell through my typed responses that I wasn't feeling the best. When he asked what was wrong, I told him that I wasn't even sure. That I just felt in a weird bum mood. Then I told him that I haven't felt motivated to do anything lately. It's scaring me. This isn't like me.
The car ride to the café with Tyler ended up being totally fine. And even ordering our food was okay. But something happened again. And I all of a sudden felt sad. I became randomly quiet. And this weird situation continued when we ate then went back to my house.
He and I watched videos on YouTube about The Black Keys and Hozier, and I felt relaxed. But when we were finished watching those, I turned back into that quiet, melancholy Lydia. What is happening????
He again knew something was wrong; I told him I wasn't feeling myself. So we both just sat on the couch together. When he fell asleep, strange thoughts started swirling around in my head--What is wrong with me? Why am I randomly unhappy? What if I can't go back to normal? What if Tyler thinks it's his fault? I love Tyler! I don't want him to think that! Why is this happening? This isn't me. I don't understand!
So when he woke up, I couldn't take my thoughts any more. I couldn't even put them into words. It was so confusing and new. I haven't been in this situation before. So I just cried. On his shoulder. And he hugged me the whole time. He's so patient with me, and I appreciate it with my whole heart. <3
"So what would you like to do?" he asked me. "I don't know. Something to distract me from whatever's happening," I responded.
So we decided a nice walk and fresh air was a good idea. But something about walking down the driveway scared me. I can't even describe what happened. Getting far from the house, I guess, freaked me out with the anxiety that was already building up, because my house is sort of a safety zone for me. So when Tyler held my hand and started walking down the hill of our driveway, I just stopped in my tracks. Some how I froze. He asked what was wrong, and I couldn't even speak for a second. I did a nervous chuckle and then started crying again: "I-I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack."
I cried again on his shoulder as he hugged me through it. I felt very shaky and out-of-it. He encouraged me to breathe deeply and whatnot. Him willing to help me through that meant so incredibly much. I love the dude. He's just amazing. After this, we turned back and went inside so I could take my panic attack medicine. He kept holding my hand through all of it, and it just made me feel so, I dunno, safe. Safe from my fears, I guess. And he just stood with me in the kitchen and joked with me until I had calmed down. After a good ten minutes of sipping on ice water and chatting, we decided it was finally time to film the "My Boyfriend Does My Makeup" video. Yes, it will be posted soon!
Thank you all very much for reading. Anxiety disorders can be hard to understand. I hope these posts--how they let you into my private, anxious thoughts--help you better realize what people like myself go through from time to time. It's hard. But when more people understand, these situations feel way easier to experience. -Lydia