Changes

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Hello friends,
I've been working hard lately on both my physical and my mental health. It's been tricky, but I figured I'd update you on the current state of things in my life.

   I've been compiling various notes in my phone's Notes app for a few weeks now, so I'll try to write this blog post in some sort of cohesive way.

   

   I've been working for a few years now to improve my physical health. I gained a large amount of weight in 2018 or so. I was exiting the only long-term relationship I had been in, I was trying out a new antidepressant (new to me, I mean; I've tried my fair share of antidepressants in the past), and I was trying to navigate a more independent lifestyle. I didn't notice the weight gain as much until I was moved into my first apartment and was learning how to budget and grocery shop for myself. I for sure didn't know how to cook, I wasn't working out. I was 20 years old and it was a wild new world for me, being on my own.

   Once 2019 hit, I was on Lexapro for about a year, I moved into my second apartment, and I was ready to get my body moving again. I started feeling sluggish and I missed that energy I used to have. I get that we tend to have significantly more energy in our teens, but man, I just wanted to get as close to that feeling as possible in my adult years. I already have kind of discussed my fitness journey in a prologue, a 2020 update, and a recent 2022 update. You're welcome to click on the hyperlinks to learn more if you feel inclined. But this whole physical health journey has a ton to do with why I'm writing this blog post today. I'll explain how they got extra entangled recently.

   My PCP prescribed me Lexapro, and it's definitely helped more than my previous antidepressants. For goodness sakes, my psychiatrist in high school paired up some opioids to help my anxiety disorder, then tried to scare me straight when he heard I stopped medicating myself. I know weaning off of medications is risky, but kindly fuck off with the fear tactic. It's definitely been hard for me to fully trust doctors after that. Anyways, the Lexapro did help over the four or so years that I had been taking it. I really didn't think I would be able to go back to living medication-free.

   As a side note, the remainder of this post isn't shaming anyone for being antidepressants. What I share about my experience is not to say that you should take the same action I have, and it's not to say that you shouldn't be medicated. I've been on antidepressants for a few years now, and when it comes to being medicated, it's just a matter of how you personally feel, what your goals are, and what makes you feel the most like you can carry on. I've been one to try counseling, a whole whirl of pill combinations, psychiatric tests, and now I'm just at a new point in my life where I feel like I'm safe, I'm in a controlled environment (hi, I moved out of my parents' house and live with one of my sisters). Life feels decently steady, and I'm prioritizing my physical health a lot more. So please know that the choice I made for my mental health is what I personally think is best for my current situation. I'm not a doctor, I'm not licensed in any medical sense. I'm just going off of my own intuition, and I've thought about this decision for a few months now. I've also made sure to do my own research on this choice to ensure I was going at it in the correct and safe sense.

   My choice, simply put, was to wean myself off my Lexapro.

   Now, you might be wondering why I made this choice. Well, besides what I mentioned earlier about feeling like this is a possibility for me since I'm in a safe and consistent spot in my life, I ultimately made this choice for my physical health. I've put in a ton of effort into learning about health and fitness for the past 3 years, and I haven't seen much progress at all (regarding weight loss, I mean). I've been seeing a dietician for a few months now, and have been digging into my reproductive heath as well. There's speculation that I have undiagnosed PCOS, and that I might have the insulin-resistant kind.

   Since I'm learning all these new things about myself, and since I've put in a ton of work with minimal actual weight loss, I decided that I wanted to try a more clean and natural way of things. I'll be off of my antidepressant, in case it's been impacting my weight, and I'll potentially only need to be on a birth control pill for a few months until my body is able to function somewhat regularly on its own. Fingers crossed.

   As for weaning myself off of my medication, I did things safely. I did let a couple healthcare professionals know my intention. I started with 10mg pills, began cutting them in half to 5mg pills, and took those halves for a little over a month to make sure I was going through the motions at a safe speed. If you plan to wean yourself off your meds for any reason, please consult a doctor and put in some research regarding your specific medication before tackling that. It's a lot to handle, and it's easier to go through with the proper professional advice. It's also more manageable if you're open with a couple close friends and loved ones. Letting people know, and having them in your corner to support you, will help immensely.

   Now that I'm off my Lexapro, I've already been noticing some changes. The physical anxiety symptoms are pretty constant, but it's about learning how to live with them the way that I used to. I have fitness, that's a coping mechanism. Healthy eating. Writing. Designing. Resting. And most importantly, sitting with my emotions to really understand what I'm thinking, without letting the anxious fog that surrounds my brain completely bury my genuine, cohesive thoughts. It's all about learning to be self-aware through this bullshit, basically.

   In early August, I planned a last-minute trip to Texas with my friend Megan. Days before we left, I felt myself fully panicking. Would I be able to handle a big trip like this off meds? I panicked and decided to write out my feelings in my Notes app, like I mentioned earlier:

   via my notes app 8/31/22

​   I had a very anxious night on Tuesday, August 30th. It's been the first time I've experienced last-minute anxiety in a long time. By that I mean, a last minute "Should I not go? Should say no?" When I first started this blog, I was bedridden and I had this thought a lot. This feeling. And in times like this, I would always turn to Zoella for help. "Just Say Yes," that was her motto. And sometimes that's all it takes.

   I've been making changes to hopefully help repair some of my physical health, but unfortunately, that means taking a deep dive into my mental health as well. Normally I love looking within, but lately, I've made a difficult change--I've cut out my Lexapro. It's ultimately a hard decision to make, but in my mind, it's the only way I can ensure that my body is functioning properly. I've needed to break down everything I know about my health, down to its core, to focus on nutrition and to take the steps to better understand my hormones. It's going to be a scary change, and honestly, it's already showing itself to be daunting. But if I'm able to conquer things, both big and small, I'll be supplied with more and more proof that I can, in fact, cope with anxiety. Naturally. And in the long run, I'll feel stronger than ever. As I'm writing this, my brain is clouded with anxiety. I'm in a bit of a fog. But before I cut the Lexapro, and in moments where I feel completely clear (i.e. when I work out, when I shower), I always tell myself that I'm in an amazing place in my life to take on this challenge. In these moments of anxiety, it can be so hard to see that. But I have to remember--these feelings are fleeting. They will come, and they will go. I need to re-gather the tools to cope, like how I used to all through high school, with and without my meds. And if I can remind myself how strong and capable I am, this well be easter to handle next time. Even if I have hardships, it won't make me weak. It'll be used as a learning device, a lesson on how to get over this hump. Then the next one. Then the next.

--
​
   I went on that trip, by the way. Megan and I drove our asses down there and had such a great time. We did the river walk in San Antonio, then hit up some neat breweries and bars in Austin for a couple of the days. My anxiety almost tricked me into saying no, but I'm so glad I stuck with it and grabbed the reins.

   The only issues I'm experiencing at this point in time are a.) the horrendous physical symptoms of anxiety, like feeling faint, being overstimulated by literally everything, and b.) acting immediately and irrationally on emotion instead of with my brain. I've been trying to take steps back when speaking with people so I can fully process my emotions versus what they're telling me. I'm very quick to feel embarrassed or immediately target myself, but the true thoughts in my brain, deep beneath that fog, are cohesive and rational and simple. It's hard to push past that when dealing with conflict, but it seriously requires me to sit with myself for a second, write out my thoughts, then literally write them out again. I've had to do that when texting with people lately because I've felt that messy and I'm super out-of-practice when it comes to coping with anxious or depressive thoughts. And honestly, sometimes it just requires a good cry as well. And sometimes to get another opinion, to help when rationalizing things.

   If I'm anxious, I need to remind myself about my goals. Why am I here? What are my intentions?
I want to explore my body, what it can do naturally. I want to feel energized again. I want to explore my gender expression. I want to care for my health in a sustainable way. I want to feel authentically myself. I want to feel connected to my mind, especially when it is as cloudy as it is right now, to be able to channel in and understand every fold of it. I want to feel beautiful. I want to appreciate what my body can do for me, and I want to give back to myself and to the people around me.
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If you're going through something similar, open up to someone. Sit with yourself for a bit. Write. And be gentle with yourself. 

Keep on grinning!

​Lydia