Exploration in Self Love (Pt. III)

Hello friends!
It's been an intense couple of weeks, but I'm back with another update on my exploration in self love.

   I want to start by referencing my wise cousin Sonny (I always introduce him on the blog as "wise", but that's because it's just the truth!). He always reminds me that "suffering is a human condition". So I want to tell you guys a bit about the positive changes in my life, but first I want to address the bouts of "suffering" that I experience through this little journey on my own.

   By the way, if you haven't seen the prologue or parts one and two, be sure to check up on those while you're here. I like to be as raw and real with these as I can be.

   To start, I want to get a major stressful situation out there. One that brings me to tears almost every night:

   So if you've been keeping up with my journey in self love, you'll probably know that I was pretty dependent on my ex for comfort. And a bit over a month ago he tried to reach out to me at a time when I was not mentally ready to speak to him or to meet up with him. And he said some things (maybe in hopes of showing that he cared about me) that not only put down my friends, but also put my down own self worth. Now, like I said, I doubt he meant any harm. But I expressed to him that I was not wanting to speak to him at the time. And after messages continued to flood in, I reached my breaking point and sent a rude and blunt reply.

   And why am I talking about this over the internet? Because I feel horrible about it. This is a situation that has been causing me a lot of sadness and regret. Not that I regret asking for my space, but I regret being so blunt with him. Because he and his family were a group of people who I cared about tremendously, and now they only hear about my abrupt response to him. They were people I truly respected and they felt like my own family. But just thinking about how they must feel about me keeps me up at night. I loved this guy, and after having him dismiss my request for space, I feel like I've torn apart an entire half of what I would consider to be my own family.

   I wrote a letter on August 28th addressed to my ex, apologizing for hurting him. But I don't know if I should mail it or not. If I should ask for positive closure for both sides, or to give him his space. It's been hard to not reach out to his family either, because I know it's not my place to do so. But I just feel like my poor choice of words caused a non-salvageable relationship with a lot of people whom I've met in my three-year relationship. And for that, I truly am sorry.

   Another issue that keeps me up is the fact that I stick my nose in business where it shouldn't be. I tend to put my opinions out there, even if they hurt. And hurting others is never my intention, but I feel like I keep messing up. I feel like I keep ruining relationships all around me because, I don't know, it's like I care too much that it bites me in the butt. That sounds like a weird problem to have, but I have it. I stress myself out, I give myself anxiety. I try so hard to help others, even when help isn't even asked for. Like I said, it's like I'm just sticking my nose in business where it shouldn't be. And once again, it's causing for relationships in my life to be ruined.

   This keeps me up at night because I feel like, no matter how hard I try to explain myself, it seems like nothing can repair my wrongdoings. It feels like the world is out to get me sometimes.

   I also do a great job of convincing myself that I annoy everyone around me. I know I already had issues with myself. That I'm overall decently insecure. But I feel like the amount of times I'm left out of things, not invited to things, ignored, etc. is increasing. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong. I feel like I'm not good enough, sometimes. Like I'm not pretty enough. Like I'm annoying. Maybe I'm rude. Maybe I'm too judgmental. Maybe I'm too boring.

​   I spend all night trying to figure out what's wrong with me. And sometimes my thoughts are so loud and intrusive that I have to turn on a podcast to listen to while I sleep because thinking about my flaws and holding back the tears has gotten unbearable. I'd like to think that I make decent decisions, like choosing to end my relationship, but then it turns a lot of people I care about away from me. I'd like to think that one of my friendships is being held by a string because I'm just worried about her well-being, but that turns her away from me because she feels that I don't support her. I'd like to think that I'm an overall nice and open person, but then I question all of it when I'm finally home, in bed, and all alone.

   These are the moments where I experience those bouts of depression and self-doubt. These are the moments and look back at my old self and wonder where I went wrong, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm changing for better or for worse.

   But when I look at my old self, I feel anxious. I didn't like who I was. I might have my qualms with my own decisions lately, but I know that I mean well. I know that I'm still growing. I know that I still care about those around me, whether or not I'm in a good place with them in this specific moment. I know that my main goal is to learn how to cope on my own, how to be independent. And I know that suffering is a human condition. And that humans are imperfect.

   Everyone has qualms about themselves in some ways or others. But the question is--are they trying to better themselves, or are they just going through life feeling sorry for themselves?

   I'm normally one to shy away from change, but to work on bettering myself, I picked up a second job. I now not only work in retail, but I also took a job at a local cafe that I absolutely adore. It's allowed me to get out of my comfort zone and learn even more things. I learned how to make a panini! I've been so tired lately between my two jobs and my classes, but it's all been so worth it. I'm learning so much in both of my design courses and everything feels so exhilarating this semester. I also have been trying to be more in the moment, to spend time with acquaintances and friends who I normally don't spend as much one-on-one time with.

   So when I go to sleep now, it's not like I don't still feel those bouts of sadness. But I at least know that, no matter what, I am trying to better myself. I'm still growing. And if I have another off day, I can still recover and know that change, as scary as it can be, can also be so thrilling if you just embrace it! It can alter your entire attitude and outlook on your week. 

   So for anyone who's out there dealing with similar issues as myself, just know that it's important to recognize your wrong doings. It's important to not put off bettering yourself. Don't just wait and do it tomorrow. Start now. Jump in. Get a new job spontaneously...okay, maybe not...but hey, it's been working out for me. Just get out there and do something that scares you. Work to better yourself. Whatever you have to do. Just know that you're not alone.

If anyone needs to chat, feel free to contact me here or on any of my social media outlets. I know how it feels to be alone, but we can all chat together!

Keep on grinning!

Lydia