Hello friends! Life has been busy. I'm very sorry that this post is like almost two weeks overdue, but sister has been busy (that's me). With two jobs and a hectic school schedule, I've been a bit preoccupied.
Despite being super late with writing a blog post, I want to announce something that dawned on me recently: I'm finally okay with being single. And today, I want to explain how this is feeling and how I've realized that I've finally broken out of that you-need-someone-else-to-validate-you mode that I was stuck in since 2015.
I've been debating about whether or not I should write about this. Literally asking friends around me for advice because I don't know if I should even talk about this. But I want to remember my mindset in this moment for if I ever feel dependent on another human for validation ever again. So let's do this thing...
For a small amount of time I was on tinder and bumble just to have people to talk to. Yeah, I've actually made some internet friends from that, but I never wanted to actually meet anyone. Maybe I just didn't have the courage? I know that I'm not one to go on dates with randos. I guess that's the norm now but I'm just not good under pressure. I prefer meeting people authentically. There's some kind of added pressure when you're going from a screen to in-person that I can't follow.
I only went on one date since ending my relationship last year. And, erm. Things never really proceeded on. But thinking back, did I actually want them to? I was reminiscing about that date and cringed thinking about it. The guy was a blast, super funny. But I was just so nervous. That's not my preference. I was embarrassed at myself for nervous-laughing so much. I also avoided any touching and closeness. Yeah, sister wasn't ready for a date that early in the game. But when I was reminiscing, I felt like a thick fog went away; I could think back clearly to that day and tell myself that I didn't actually enjoy myself. And that clarity that I felt in my mind in that moment, I've been feeling a lot of lately.
Another weird thing that's been happening is that I've been having dreams. Like, very seemingly life-like dreams. And that same feeling of clarity is still there. My ex is in these dreams pretty frequently. In these dreams, he and I aren't dating, but we're on good terms. Either that, or we are dating but I have to figure out how to end the relationship before it runs itself into the ground (almost like I'm travelling back in time and have to save our sanity before it breaks both of our hearts too much). So anyways, like I said, he and I are always on great terms in these dreams, despite the knowing that I again have to end our relationship, even in the dreams. How is dream me so disciplined? Then I wake up in the morning like, "Wait...things are already over. Why do I have to keep breaking up with him in these dreams?"
I'll internally try to interpret what these dreams mean all day after waking up from them. Because at first I'll be frustrated, like "Why is he still in my dreams? Am I not over things?" But then in real life I feel at peace, knowing that he's free to move on with his life and so am I.
I'm able to reminisce about moments and appreciate the things he's done for me without feeling icky or frustrated or heartbroken. Now, my mind is at ease. Now, I can laugh about funny moments we had or give credit to him for encouraging me to try new foods, etc. It's like my mind has finally dug out all the frustrating thoughts and insecurities that were left in my soul and has changed to thankful thoughts and wishes that, wherever he is, he is doing well. And I've never felt this at-peace in a long, long time, knowing that there's no more grudges on my end.
So with all of this going on, that and being busy with life in general (I'm about to graduate, people!!), I feel so calm and collected. Like, I used to frequently pursue love. And yeah, there are still a couple casual crushes out there. But now, I'm able to just let it be. I'm able to live my life without worrying about impressing others. I dyed my hair a dark purple (which hopefully I can get some good shots of soon), I dress up (looking good helps me feel good!), and I keep only positive friendships around me. I even have an instagram group called The Girl Gang that I formed to have new, friendly faces to talk to. Life is about supporting others. Why would I want to waste my energy on endlessly searching for "the one" and for acceptance when I can just get sh*t done? I finally accept myself for how I am, man or no man.
I love having positive, new experiences, and that's what Lydia 2.0 is all about. It's time to finish school, to keep working hard, and to embrace being single for however long it lasts. As wonderful as it would be to have someone in my life, I won't force it. It'll happen when it happens.
Thank you all for reading. Hope you're all doing well!