I'm Trying

Hello friends!
I'm currently sitting in my room, overthinking and overthinking as an anxiety-ridden human being tends to do.

   I wouldn't even say that I've been stressed or anxious lately. I don't know what I feel right now. All I know is that I've been trying so hard to become a better, healthier version of myself. But for the past two days, something's felt off. And I have no idea how to explain it.

   A few moments ago I felt an overwhelming feeling. I don't know where it came from, or what I felt, but I immediately opened my laptop and came here. I guess I'm just trying to figure it out as I go.

I guess I can start by filling you folks in on all kinds of new things that have been happening this month...

   I'm still working in food. Working usually helps me keep my mind off things, since it tends to be pretty busy, of course. I find that being productive helps me whenever I feel like this--confused, overwhelmed. I'm somewhat hunting for a second job, though, so there's that. I'm just trying to weigh out my options right now. But in this current job, I was reunited with a dear friend from school (she graduated a year before me).

   Sicilia and I played soccer together in middle school, but were never really close all throughout high school. However, since working together, she and I have honestly gained a really incredible friendship. I don't know how, but she and I just randomly hit it off the first day we worked together. We just started talking about our boyfriends and our decorating styles and our life goals. These evening shifts then led to daily trips to the gym. I never knew I'd enjoy fitness so much, but gosh darn it...I love it. We even bought matching sports bras because we're that cool.

   And, with college in session, making a new local friend makes things a bit easier. My dearest friend Megan moved a little distance away for her school, so I haven't gotten to really see her much at all.  Rachael's been gone for two years now. Brooke moved out of the state. Even my boyfriend moved a decent drive away (it's not too far, but my car overheated last time I drove out there). Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for all of them. Everyone's starting this new chapter in their lives. I know I am super excited to be in college now. Surprisingly, I haven't been nervous about this at all. I only have four classes, all spread throughout the week. But lately I've been having a hard time adapting to this new thing where everyone's far away. And I miss everyone like crazy.
  
   I haven't really been making any new friends in college, yet. I'm only in the second week. During my 5-hour class, my phone rang at full volume. And it was at the very bottom of my bag, so I couldn't shut it up! I was humiliated, and everyone kept staring at me. And all of that happened within the first hour, so I still had about 4 hours to go with this group of individuals. And no one talked to me the entire time. For some reason, part of me liked the solitude (I guess you could call it).  I messaged Angie when I could and I ate lunch by a lovely stairwell. It was my first day; something embarrassing was bound to happen.

   Overall, I am really enjoying classes. Although the homework is intense, I find it to be a blessing. Especially with the math. I wouldn't fully understand it without that homework.

   I think the hardest part of all of this is not having many familiar faces around. I try so hard not to lean on people now a days, but I honestly feel pretty lonely. I saw my boyfriend two days ago, and he just recently sent me a picture his college schedule. It's hectic (IBut he seems to be enjoying it, so that's friggin' awesome!). But because I love him and because I understand how intense our scheduling will be during school, I'm willing to take a breath, step back, and give him time to complete school work and such. I mean, I'm always extremely eager to see him, but I know that he's also dealing with change and he'll not be as available during the week. I love that boy, and I'm confident that we'll soon become used to this new scheduling situation. Hopefully weekends are good, hon!

   Deep down, I believe all of this change, although exciting, has been a little rough on me. Yesterday, when doing math homework at the café, I couldn't stop scratching at my skin. And I had no idea why (By the way, something I haven't actually discussed on this blog yet is that I scratch at my skin when I'm anxious or upset. It's like when people nervously pull out their hair). I just had absolutely no idea what came over me, but I know it needs to change. And that's why I wrote this blog post.

   I do think writing this helped a bit. It allowed me to truly analyze the entire situation around me. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed. I didn't feel it at first, but all of this triggered something deep within me and made my mind spin out of control for these past couple of days.

   Life is scary. Change happens and I need to just go with it. I need to embrace every second and make the most of this new chapter, whether I feel scared or excited or unsure of how I feel. Honestly, this is just a moment. Life is just a moment. Even if I'm in a dark moment, it will pass by. I know that my free time doesn't have to be with a person all the time, nor do I have to be bored at home. It means I can do something good in that time. I can analyze my thoughts, I can motivate myself, I can write some new content for this blog, I can help some of you, I can help myself. Sometimes I just get so caught up in worry and in loneliness that I don't embrace these little moments that life brings. I need to understand that any moment can be enjoyed, if I keep on grinning.

- Lydia