Hello friends! Tonight was a rather emotional night for me.
Things for the past few days have brought me down. I don't know why or how, to be honest. I've just felt crappy about myself. Tyler caught me in a deep thought tonight and asked me what I was thinking about. He could tell something was wrong.
"I've been told by many people in the past that I'm insecure--too insecure," I told him, "So I'm really hesitant to talk to you about this stuff. Not that I think you'd judge me, it's just that people have made me feel crappy about being insecure."
He looked at me with those precious brown eyes of his; I had a lump growing in my throat. He cared a lot to know, and was very curious. But I didn't want to cry in front of him. I already have three times, twice just last week (I'm a sensitive person. He didn't make me cry. It's about unrelated stuff...just thought I should add that part in).
"You know how I said I've been beating myself up lately?" I asked him. "Well there are three things that have been on my mind for the past few days."
"I've been told by many people in the past that I'm insecure--too insecure."
These insecurities have grown in the time of three days. They are as follows...
Day 1 (Wednesday): I haven't been feeling myself. I feel like I've been letting down my family and I've been very disorganized in general. Then again, I accidentally skipped a few days taking my anxiety medications, so that could be it. I feel a bit more like myself today.
Day 2 (Thursday): I saw beautiful girls on Facebook and randomly felt bad about my appearance. This happens to a lot of girls now a days, sadly.
Day 3 (Friday): Tyler fell asleep on my shoulder and I had him in my arms. I love helping him feel nice and comfy after a long work week. But alone in my thoughts for forty minutes, the bad feelings came back. If you know me, you might know how scarred my arms are. Many people think I have diseases. I can write a post about them soon, if you'd like. But I felt horrible about the way the look. I still do. I always have to cover them in foundation wherever I go.
At the part in the story where I got to day three, I couldn't keep the tears in. I ended up crying again. Why, do you ask? Because I realized that he was the only person who ever rubbed my arm affectionately. The only other time people touch my arms is if they're checking to see if I'm still nervously scratching at them. This was a first and it truly meant a lot to me.
But Tyler told me something that made me cry harder, but not in a bad way. It was something I've needed hear for a while--"You're beautiful. Inside and out." He sat there the whole time and listened to what I had to say. It meant so much! Then he told me, "Regarding that situation with your family, just talk to them about it. Use I sentences, like I feel this way, or you make me feel like this." I just need to figure out how to do so.
As for the arm situation? He pulled the whole John Stamos move from Secrets of Eden, the whole kiss-the-wounds move. Nice. It really touched me on an emotional level.
Thank you so much Tyler for making me feel a bit better. I appreciate the support. Being insecure is part of what makes us human. Everyone's insecure. So to those exes who told me in the past that I'm too insecure, stop it. You're the people making me insecure about being, well, insecure. -Lydia