Notes from my Teenaged Self

*Trigger Warning*

​Hello friends!
​
​Life has been wild lately, but in search of some peace, I decided to deep clean my room. You know what they say--the state of a person's room represents their state of mind. So with cleaning came finding my old notebooks, filled with teen Lydia's thoughts. I thought it would be important to write about some of this.

   Now, before I actually get started, I want to issue a trigger warning for depressive/suicidal comments in this post. I tend to blog moreso about anxiety than I do about depression, but I'm wanting to write this post to inspire people to stay in touch with their thoughts and emotions. A lot of times mental health struggles can be intertwined. So alone with my anxiety came this overwhelming package of OCD, ADHD, and depression. All of these made my teen years feel impossible. I felt so alone, even with the support I did have from some friends and family.

   Writing has always helped me, whether it was private--incased in one of my many notebooks in my room--or public, once I started this blog. I've wanted to feel less alone and allow others to also feel more connected to each other and to their feelings. So with that, if you struggle with thoughts of depression, please be advised and know you're loved. (crisis hotline: 1-800-273-8255)

   Besides my more introspective writings, I also had some doodles and creative pieces. So I'm wanting to share it all with you guys today to see how I felt however long ago, and how much my mindset has grown since the intense teen years.

   Most of the pages in my notebooks were for creative thoughts I'd have. As I was dreaming of starting the blog, even knowing the name already, I'd write down "blog" entries. Sometimes I'd even print a photo of the outfit I was talking about, other times I'd draw them out. I seriously loved planning stuff like this out on paper, even if it wouldn't be seen or published.

   I loved all things beauty and fashion. I spent so much time writing and writing about it. Sometimes I'd even re-write the same pages just to flush things out more. Writing has always been therapeutic for me, and I've always felt very imaginative. The two pair perfectly.

   I remember hearing alternative music and really connecting with it, talking about indie style and an old story I heard from my brother at the time. The Black Keys, baby. They did it for me:

   Something I found peculiar was how OCD I felt. Not only did I / do I have compulsive ticks, but in my teens, I did a lot of things that you could affilate with OCD. I'd write down times and dates on everything, I'd frequently check the time on the clock, I'd need to touch something a certain way, the list goes on and on.

​   I just always felt like I needed to be in control of the situation and to be extremely aware and documentative. Sometimes, when reorganizing my room, I'd even write down inventory lists of certain things in certain drawers. It was fun for me, I guess. Organizing was a hobby for me.

   Besides my more OCD actions, I kept lists and lists of my feelings every day. This was something that actually really helped me, whenever writing diary entries sounded overwhelming. Sometimes just a quick mental health check-in was all I needed to feel in touch and in control of my health.

   Doing this was also helpful for my psychiatrist at the time to know how medications were working for me. I know medication isn't for everyone, but for me, it was essential to take something in order to even leave the house. I always felt so scared of so much.

​   Writing down these talking points could help me address my fears with both my psychiatrist and my psychologist so I could help myself grow as my teens carried on.

   Besides my more anxious thoughts and my physical responses to all of my mental stressors, I reached a point in my teens where I feared death so so much. Like, it's all I could think about. I'm sure a lot of people actually go through this point of anxiety, whether they're diagnosed with anxiety/depression or not. Worry is just a part of life. We're human.

​   Something that scared me was the thought of not being in control, especially of my own life and safety. When Robin Williams committed suicide, I felt like I lost a chunk of my childhood. Robin was so loved my so many people. And he almost felt like a part of the family, in my mind. It started making me worry about suicide, if I felt so depressed and alone and did something horrible. I never planned to harm myself, but something triggered me at the time to think constantly about that. I was worried that I'd even lose control of myself and my life.

   Even if it wasn't suicide, my anxiety was making me fear a young death. I unfortunately wrote a journal entry dedicated to people if I was to die in my teens. Finding this honestly broke my heart because I completely forgot I wrote it. I'm so truly thankful I was given the resources to talk to professionals about my anxieties and thoughts. I'm also appreciative of my close friends who I was able to confide in. Again, if you feel alone and are dealing with these difficult thoughts, you are not actually alone. If you need help from a caring professional, call ​1-800-273-8255.

   Please be kind to yourself, friends. And if you just need a friend to talk to, my DMs are always open for anyone. You are so valued.

   Besides all the writings, I played around a lot with typography and doodling. I even had a binder with creative fonts printed out so I could practice writing in pretty lettering whenever I'd scrapbook or draw. Look, sometimes you just need a little creative moment...and a Moulin Rouge reference. No biggie.

Thank you guys for reading! I appreciate you all. Please take care of yourselves. <3

​Lydia