Prologue: Exploration in Self Love

Hello friends!
​A lot has been going on with me lately, and I'm still debating with myself about how much I want to go in depth with all of this.

   I'll be honest, I was kind of putting off writing about this because I didn't even know where to start or how to go about this. My first idea was to make a list of ways I'm delving into my self-love journey (which, if you didn't already read my depersonalization post, you won't know what's even sparked me to embark on such a journey). And I'd still love to make that list, but I feel like I just need to talk about all of this first.

   If you're curious about what even encouraged me to write this blog post, it was actually the news of Liza and David breaking up. I watched their video tonight, and immediately knew I needed to talk about this. You can click here to see the video of their reasons for separating. But basically, to sum it up, Liza and David both knew something wasn't sitting right and were both too caught up in their busy lives to fit well together in a relationship. That, and Liza's own struggles with self love. In the video, Liza references Tumblr quotes like, "you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else", that she needs to "spread love, but [she has] to have it [for herself] first". She also mentions that they're both young--that they're at an age where self love and growth is crucial.

   In my last blog post, Depersonalization, not only was I talking about my physical challenges that I've been dealing with lately (caused by anxiety), but I also spoke about the emotional toll that it's caused:

"​It's seemed like I've needed to be alone to grow, so Tyler has been giving me space to breathe. But it's become more than just an I-might-be-changing-and-might-need-space kind of situation. It's become a my-mental-health-is-going-down-the-drain-and-I'm-falling-back-to-my-bed-ridden-days-and-I-don't-like-myself-and-I-feel-unsatisfied-with-my-life-choices-and-I'm-afraid-of-everything kind of situation."

   
   And I can't sleep tonight because I just feel like this needs to be discussed. I wrote that post about two weeks ago and didn't even know where to pick up after that. Another point I mentioned in that post was:
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"​As the days go on, the more panicked I get. I know that I need to love myself first and foremost to truly find happiness, but it's been hard when I wake up and feel defeated every morning, when I feel like I'm losing myself."

   To me, there's no feeling more unsettling than feeling like a stranger to yourself. Tyler has been trying to help me, because who would want to see their partner fall apart? I started to panic and called multiple breaks away because it's been hard to let him try to help me when I've felt so lost. I started to feel insecure about myself. I started to feel insecure in my relationship, even in my friendships. And it was so out of my own control that no one else could really mend my soul but me. This was all in my hands and I just needed to be honest with myself.

   I won't go in depth about the specific details about why my relationship with Tyler has arguably been out-of-whack for a few months, but Tyler is still my best friend. He fought for me within the past few months, and I wanted to keep fighting for us as well. But I realized that this issue all begins with me. Tyler can't make me alter my qualms with myself. Only I can. And that's something I needed to come to terms with. And I fought myself on it so many times when I've sat down and talked with Tyler, but this past weekend, I just forced myself to be honest. With both Tyler and myself.

   I'm not perfect. Tyler's not perfect. But that's the beauty of a relationship. You can communicate, stay together, and choose to evolve together--or you can split ways. As much as we both mutually want to evolve together, I had to ask for a step back so that I could first grow myself. With this growth, I want to stop depending on Tyler to make me happy. I want to stop depending on Tyler to make me feel pretty. I want to stop depending on Tyler to make me feel secure. These are all qualities that I need to make myself feel. No one else can make me feel these ways anymore.

   When Tyler and I spoke this weekend, although we knew we needed to ultimately take a step away from each other, we still made jokes and laughed and just appreciated each other. Similarly to Liza and David, we both just got along and respected each other's needs. And that makes me respect Tyler more than anything--his willingness to patiently give me my space for a little while until I figure myself out more. Neither of us know how long this might take, but I just need to learn to actually love myself. To take care of myself. That's something my cousin Sonny always tells me: "Take care of yourself."

   There's a quote by Chloe Grace Moretz in an issue of Teen Vogue that I've remembered for years, but never fully processed the importance of it until now. She said, "Before you ever decide to love anyone else, love yourself first and foremost. That's who you'll be with on those cold, lonely nights." And, as many times as I've tried to love myself, I've found myself constantly depending on Tyler to help me through.

   It's not even been a week, and somehow I already am starting to feel...I don't know, refreshed. I'll talk more about the steps I've been taking lately in the next blog post or so, but for now, I'll tell you that I've been deep-cleaning my room and just trying to re-organize my surroundings (and my entire life). I've been saying yes to more things. I've been trying new hobbies already. I've been making art. I've been singing and dancing in my car again. I'm already being brought back to life. And a huge thank you already goes out to Tyler for even allowing me the space to learn more about myself.

   I did ask him before publishing this post if it would be okay to make our information public. I think that this post is crucial for anyone who feels unsure in life or in their relationship. Or both! It's important to hear that you're not alone. That you have one life, and, as Megan Batoon said in her Self-Love video, if you're fighting between your mind and your heart about what to do in life, just know that, whatever you decide, that is the right thing to do. I highly recommend that video to literally anyone and everyone because it's just so important to hear. It's important to hear that it's okay to ask for time away. For time to think. For time to grow.

   I dedicate this post to whomever out there feels lost in life. To whomever out there feels like a stranger to themselves. To whomever out there loves someone more than themselves. It's crucial to find that love for yourself, so that you can truly love and care about those around you. And so you can feel truly happy. Loneliness shouldn't be scary. As Megan Batoon mentioned in her video, if you love yourself, you should never truly feel lonely. Because you have yourself. And you are who you need the most.
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I will keep you guys updated on my exploration in self love. Hopefully you guys won't get sick of the motivational rants, but this blog is for everyone. I hope this helps at least one of you.

Keep on grinning

Lydia