Sporadic Thoughts from an Anxious Person

Before I rant, please consider checking out the following resources:

​- Support various crucial BLM funding options here.
​- Visit the official Asian American and Pacific Islander philanthropy site here.
- Flint Michigan still needs clean water. Donate here.
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Hi friends.
It's been an exhausting weekend. But also nothing actually happened. Allow me to go on an incredibly disorganized rant about my mental health and the other happenings in my life, all at once.
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   It's been ages since I've documented a spurt of anxious energy. Hi, nice to meet you, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety several years ago, and I've been on Lexapro for a couple years now. And I know, medication can be a touchy subject to some. But it's definitely worked for me.

   Like I've mentioned in past posts, my anxiety used to be so rough that I didn't want to even leave the house. I was incredibly medicated through high school, but eventually went without medication through my senior year and the first year and a half or so that I was in college. I felt decent at that point. When I was 20 or 21, my anxiety was getting to a point where I was hardly able to complete my shifts at Target because my physical symptoms were so overbearing. So yeah, medication was the best option for me at the time. And I still take Lexapro, today. It helps when other coping mechanisms aren't quite doing the trick, this minute in time.

   And, yeah, I know I don't technically need to explain myself. But I want to recognize that sometimes medication works for people, and sometimes it doesn't. Everyone is different.

   Since being on Lexapro, I haven't really experienced nearly many anxiety attacks and bouts of depression. I will say, though, that I'm a lot more ticky, as I call it, or easily triggered. By that, I mean my anxiety has translated into anger. If I hear a repeated noise, or if someone's tone sounds even remotely negative, I get so grumpy. I always feel really pathetic when this happens, but it's like an involuntary response from my body. I start sweating and sometimes I need to walk away from the situation entirely, even if seemingly nothing is happening around me.

   I just sometimes need to step outside or just not speak for a bit, to gain a bit of my conscious self back. But yeah, anger. It's something I've never really ever struggled with until the more recent years of my life. It's been a bit harder through the winter to handle this, since I'm not able to exercise as much as I should. Movement has been a major coping mechanism for the past couple of years, especially with Covid. Going running in the park has been incredibly impactful on my psych. And I think, with less of an urge to run when it's cold, and not having ran much since breaking my foot in September, I've been destined to spill over (so much so that, this past Sunday, when I heard "Heat Lightning" by Mitski, I cried; sometimes you just need a good song to unlock your truest emotions).

   This weekend was a mess. The midwest faced a decently large snow storm, so I was stuck in the apartment for four days. We were fortunate to not lose power, but my little brain isn't used to being fully stuck inside. I wasn't able really even leave, because my car was snowed in. I couldn't go for a walk because that snow was deep, and not all of the sidewalks were clear. Also it was ridiculously cold. These are all probably small things to be concerned about, but for someone who finds comfort in having control over the situation and who requires exercise to have healthy brain function, this sucked.

   I frantically cleaned different areas of the apartment every day that I was stuck inside, which, yes Lydia, maybe you should do that anyway. But when I say frantically, I mean I was losing track of the things I was cleaning because I kept finding random side things to clean (hi ADHD, welcome to the picture; I forget you exist sometimes). My brain was going a mile a minute. My heart was palpitating. I felt restless when I would sit down, so during any moment I wasn't sitting or cleaning, I was on my laptop tinkering with typography. Maybe I could at least design something cute with all this chaotic energy I had?

   And then Sunday rolled around. I made a fun interior design concept for Danny Gonzalez's office. I did even more cleaning (how did I still have anything left to clean??). My brain seemed loud--my thoughts literally felt like they were screaming, but in reality, the apartment was quiet. And then bam, my heart palpitated again, I started dissociating, and then I sat in my room some more because no space felt quiet enough to escape the impending doom I was feeling. My first panic attack in a minute.

   Which, like, without my typical ways to cope, it was only a matter of time until my mental glass overflowed. I still felt a bit of the physical symptoms at work today, so I told myself I would be extra kind to my mind and body. When I came home, I did some yoga (day 30 of Adriane's yoga challenge...it only took several months but I finally did it). I've never really liked yoga, but having a goal in mind definitely helps my mental health. Plus, Adriane's calm energy gives me some hope in this world.

   On another note, I've picked up fitness again. I'm trying to really learn what works for my body. I was working out nonstop, starting in the fall of 2019 and going through to the fall of 2020. I had a gym membership, also a park nearby. What sucked was the plateau. Which, everyone has goals. My strength definitely improved, so that kept me coming back. But the weight loss part wasn't budging. With a goal to get a breast reduction at some point, I now have even more reason to want to lose weight. So yeah, I'm finally diving back in. Since moving to the new apartment, I've definitely been running more than I did previously. I'll have to write a whole separate post sometime about my fitness goals and all the physical wellness happenings. For now, I'm having a fun, messy rant. 

   Besides the rough weekend I've had, I want to talk about some positives to finish my rant.

   I've been finding joy in the little things. Organizing my room, practicing more and more design concepts, playing with the kitties, watching shitty movies with my sister (we currently can't find our copy of Friends With Money, but we just want to ask what the hell that movie was). I've been planning on making some strawberry jam soon! I'll probably blog about it because I like trying cute thingies. Plus, this jam is incredibly nostalgic to my sisters and me. I can't even express how delicious it is. I've never made jam, and I rarely cook as is, so definitely keep me in your thoughts.

   I haven't gotten to visit my grandma as much since moving further away and the world having multiple variants of Covid, so I've been trying to help find her a hobby to keep her occupied and crafty while she's cooped up on her own. I've decided, since she and I love landscaping during the warmer months, that I'm going to slowly compile an indoor garden for her. I ordered a couple of plants to be shipped her way, but I plan to go all in. I think she deserves to have some botanical joy, especially now. When I lived with her for a month between apartments, we would always collaborate on yard work, talk about our interests and goals, and pop some delicious popcorn for our much-needed TVLand time. My time with her is unmatched. I love her.

   Thank you guys for letting me ramble about anything and everything. With my mind feeling so overwhelmed, sometimes it's nice to sit down and unleash all the positive and negative thoughts. It's the reason I started this blog in the first place—transparency about mental health.

   Whatever is going on, you'll push through eventually. Keep on grinning, friends.

​   Lydia