Hello friends! It's been a minute since you've heard from me, I know. And I'm sorry.
So I've had a lot of things going on, I've felt a lot of different things, and I've been trying to accept a lot of things that I've discovered lately. So strap in, folks. We're going to rant for a while.
Big life update for you guys: I moved into my first apartment! I got a place with one of my coworkers and her feline, and let me tell you guys, we are living it up. Aside from working all the time, we're busy being slaphappy hooligans who are just trying to pave our way through love, heartbreak, and other life victories and struggles together.
I moved out wanting to experience more independence and to learn how to act more like an adult. And besides me still giggling uncontrollably at sexual innuendos like a tween boy, I think I am slowly but surely getting my life sorted out. At least a bit.
Another life update? I'm down to one last semester in college until I get my associates in graphic design. And boy oh boy, am I ready to be finished. My least favorite question is, "So what are you doing with your degree when you graduate?" And, well, I don't know yet. There are so many careers out there that you don't even realize exist. All I know is that I'm excited to see what opportunities arise.
To be honest, I'd love to use it to make this blog more credible. I've been working on this blog for four and a half years, and I'd love to finally make some kind of career out of it. But who knows!
Besides working two jobs, moving into an apartment, and finishing my second to last semester, I've had my ups and downs mentally.
I've had moments where I've been hopeful of new relationships, only to have them wash away. I've felt disconnected from family and friends with how busy I am, so I've been trying to use any free moment to see them. I've been anxiously scratching at my arms again (and if you don't understand what I'm talking about, feel free to read this post) out of stress of finals and my trust issues in friendships and relationships. I still have bouts of depression, but I try to clean or bake or do something that keeps my hands and mind busy. I've made so many cookies since moving out. It's kind of wild. But overall it's been a great learning experience and I haven't had a panic attack all month. I try to let the positive moments overpower the negative.
To sum it up, I still feel lost, but I also have moments of clarity and calmness.
Despite feeling so lost, there are some things I've learned since being on my own. The first is that it's okay to feel lost. I try to take things a day at a time, especially when things become overwhelming. I'm only 20, about to be 21. There's so much room for me to learn.
Another thing to keep in mind is that we should stress to find our happy place. This is something I've been actively searching for on this blog. It's called Grins & Needles, for Pete's sake. But it recently dawned on me (with the help of The Artidote) that happiness isn't a single destination. Happiness isn't something we should necessarily actively hunt down and feel upset or discouraged if we don't find it. It isn't one singular time period. Happiness is found in a moment in the day. Happiness is found in the conversation with a friend, with my roommate. Happiness is found with a five-minute phone call with my mother, with a quick visit to see my grandmother. Happiness shouldn't be stressful or looming, rather it should be recognized in life's little moments and appreciated when it appears.
And lastly, we need to remember to not fear change. I feel terrified when life changes around me and I lose control. But my friends Carra and Jake told me over a year ago to act as if there's a bubble around you. Inside your bubble are things you can control. Outside of your bubble are things you can't control. They told me to try to only focus on the inside of my bubble, because what happens outside of my bubble isn't mine to stress about. It's outside of my control.
Basically, with these concepts in mind, I've been able to feel more at peace with life. Despite its hectic moments, I've been able to breathe again.
Thank you guys for catching up with me! What would you guys like to see next?